Last Friday I had a rare chance of getting out of the house with just Clara. Waylon's sweet "Mamaw" offered to take the boys up to our campsite for the weekend early to spend some special time with them. So Clara and I spent our morning together, just us ladies, hitting up my favorite grocery spot, Yoder's (an Amish bulk/salvaged goods spot) and a local greenhouse to pick up some of our plants for our garden beds. I'm seeing it more and more, the difference in raising boys and girls. For the first time, it dawned on me....Clara wants to be like me. Maybe it sounds silly, to just notice this, but my newly chattering Clara several times that morning would joyfully mimic me and say "Like Mommy!" like it was the greatest thing on earth.
I'm used to my boys ready to scale a mountain, fight a dragon, or rescue someone from the burning flames.....but now there is Clara, my daughter, who thinks pushing a stroller, wearing sunglasses and lip gloss, and looking "beautiful" are the exciting things in life. There is weight in this. What am I showing her as I live my life, as a woman, in front of her?
And I am also realizing that she is much like me. She seemed to come out of the womb ready to take on the world. She has never been a "needy" child, in fact, quite the opposite. She is my independent little lady. This has been a blessing and strength in some ways. She has made each transition easy because she takes it in stride, she does not give up easily, but persists in challenging obstacles, and she requires less "man power" when it's me taking on 3 toddlers. And yet, each of our personality characteristics have their downfalls. Clara is the one wrestling to get out of my grip when I try to safely lead her through a parking lot. After all, she can manage on her own, so she thinks. Oh, how humbling and so familiar. This is me....wrestling when it isn't wise. Sometimes, we need to be weak. We need others. Clara needs me to get across the parking lot safely now. I need so much more than I am willing to receive or willing to ask for.
Ironically, against her usual nature, Clara has been a bit more needy the last couple of days. It's causing a train wreck in my mind and heart....in a good way:) Tonight, she wanted me to comfort her and cuddle my arm while she was put to bed. She clung to me, and I let her, and relished the moments. She wanted me there and felt it was in her best interest if I was there. It sunk in deeply. How am I depending on others now, because I need them, as I'm 8 months pregnant and mothering 3 toddlers? Am I letting others help? Am I asking others for help when I need it? Oh pride, you have to die.
I pray over Clara Grace every night as I tuck her in for bed. I always pray the meaning of her name over her....that she would be a bright light for Jesus ("Clara") and that she would know the great need she has for Jesus and the empowerment that comes from Him ("Grace"). I need this work to continue in my life as well. I'm grateful for my Clara Grace that helps me see myself in honesty and cling to Jesus all the more.