My heart pounds expectantly in my chest.
I feel the rhythmic beats sure and strong, quicker than the norm.
May day has been simple. No big frills. No time for frills. But, yes, simple, consistent, faithful is what I seek. And today, I'm seeing it.
I sit with thirty minutes of margin and am having a little party as I have a chance to type these words. Margin is being created, and I'm walking in it.
It. Is. Lovely.
Sometimes I forget that raising four kids is enough. Sometimes I fail to remember that my mantle looks different than others around me. I see things that are "good" and add them to my "to do" list and figure I'll manage it somehow (everyone else is managing, right??).
Well, I have a sneaking suspicion that we probably don't really know how "well" things are being managed for others. And truly, all that really matters is if we are doing well with what we have been given. So, are we?
I had to humbly accept that I was not doing well a couple weeks ago. We all walk through different seasons, and it turned out that the season I am in is much more demanding than I expected. And while I love to just try to push on and muster the strength to keep going on business as usual, not ruffling any feathers, or disappointing anyone, sometimes that is just not possible. Sometimes, I just need to humble myself and let go of trying to do it all.
So last week as I stood in a filthy bathroom full of evidence of it's 3 little users, I called my mom. If there was a giftedness in cleaning, she has it. "Mom. I just have to laugh looking at the sad, sad state of my house. Want to come clean it?"
And she did. Because she's cool. Four rooms in five hours. Yes, it was that bad.
And I talked through my commitments with my husband, who is far better at creating margin than I. And I (eh-hem, painfully...) took his advice and pulled some things off my responsibility list. I listened to some dear friends tell me I need to take help when it's offered and received it, knowing they were right, and knowing I would have to say "yes" in the future. Here's to future humbling :)
It feels painful and uncomfortable to be changed. Embracing weakness and asking for help are not things I enjoy. But I do enjoy the end result. I do enjoy the ability to be faithful to what is before me. I am so encouraged to see first-fruits of walking in obedience to the things I know are being asked of me. My life belongs to God, and I want to be more and more like Him on this earth. Change will have to come. Though it's uncomfortable, embracing change is good and right.
I'm celebrating today the hard choices that have been made in the last couple weeks and the goodness I'm seeing as a result. Expectancy is in my heart. Simply being faithful seems quite exhilarating.