Pain Unearths Perspective

Today was my 9 year anniversary. Though our date out will happen later in the week, we shared special moments throughout the day that allowed us to remember and celebrate. I'm so grateful for our marriage. I love this man so much and he still makes me giddy.

As the night settled down and one by one the kids got tucked into bed, I was left with just Samuel and I swaying in our bedroom to "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas". I cuddled his soft cheek close and prayed over him. As I prayed, and was thanking God for him, I realized...oh wow, tomorrow is another anniversary. Not one of wedded bliss, but one of loss...and yet, gain. And yet...Samuel.

God granted me Samuel. Those words are so real to me. They speak to me deep down and a gratitude bubbles over like I rarely know. One year ago, tomorrow, (who forgets 12.12.12?) we were in the ER with bleeding in my pregnancy. We were for the first time learning that yes, there was a loss. One baby was lost. And then we learned of Samuel. Eight week old Samuel was strong, his heartbeat sure. God had granted 2 lives, one going to be with Him so soon and one able to remain. 

I had been listening to JJ Heller's music a lot in that season. One of her songs is her personal story of her stillborn daughter, "Oliviana." (<---Take a listen.) I remember waiting after the ultrasound, waiting to hear any news, and talking to our baby for the first time. From my heart I said, "Baby, if you're are in fact going to be with's far better than coming to me,"as tears streamed down. JJ Heller sings it like this..."Oliviana, you're in the arms of God. Just a moment there, is better than here." Yes, it is. And yes, it hurts.

The doctor that came was so tender. He treated us with great care and concern and said, "Well, it looks like there were 2 babies. And one is still doing just fine." Twins? Did he just say that? But I wasn't really surprised, actually. I felt like I already knew deep down there were 2...I had a dream it was twins, I was growing at a crazy rate, I was breaking out in hives from crazy hormones, and I was so.tired. But it was real now. He just said it. And one was, in fact, already with Jesus. And yet, one remained. 

But I look at Sam. And I think, "Life is so precious! Why are you here with me?! You are such a blessing! I'm so glad you're here!" 

Go hug your kids. Tell them what a miracle it is they are here.

God's hand has been on their life before you even knew of them. And now they're here, with you, because He has given them to you. Wow. 

Painful realities have a way of waking us up. They can shake us to the core to show us what really matters. 

We can't take these sweet ones for granted. They are amazing gifts.


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