I Will Remember

In times when I haven't known how to pray, when things feel pressing, and prayer is urgent, yet the words don't seem to come, I have looked to the Psalms. Sometimes words don't come because that level of vulnerability with God seems challenging. Prayers that are jumbled messes of worry, confusion, and questions don't seem as pretty, do they? But then David, in his raw honesty in the Psalms shows me this is all wrong thinking. Prayers aren't meant to be pretty. God, who knows the very number of hairs on our heads, knows the inner-workings of our hearts as well. And He's here with us. So for me to be quieted because I like to seem like I'm more together is just silly. He can take it, all of our honesty, all of our questions. He desires relationship. And don't we, too? Yes. David, man after God's own heart, I love your example.

Psalm 77, in particular, has been a tried and true place I've revisited to be refreshed. In a time of trouble and doubt, David comes to God in prayer, without words at first, then asks a series of bold, honest questions and finally lands here...."I will remember the deeds of the Lord;, yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds" (vs. 11, 12). Remember. In times of trouble, honesty before the Lord can come, questions, like David's, "Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" (vs. 9). But he doesn't land there and stay. He then remembers. There is great power in remembering the work of his hand. 

I'm learning to remember. I'm making this year a year of learning to walk in thanksgiving. I've shared my reading of "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. I just finished the book (now my mom finally gets her Christmas present! :)). But this journey of journaling daily the gifts God gives me in my days continues. I think it can sound trite to write down a list of little things every day, like good coffee with my favorite creamer, or a quirky smile from a toddler. But it's this thing that David did, at the core. It's fueling my faith that God has been gracious to me....here....here...and here, too! Daily seeing this rhythm is powerful. It is by His hand we are given what we have. And then, I can see it, as I'm basking in the beauty of the accumulation of gift after gift, then even when hardships come, the things we wouldn't desire to orchestrate in our life in the least, they can more easily be embraced. Your heart is ready to take what he gives, whatever it may be. Even if it means losing a baby, one of the twins he began to knit in your womb. Yes, that is part of the story God has given me (I hope to share more on that later). And I see now, a few weeks beyond the loss, that this remembering, this faith-feuling exercise has prepared me. I trust God more deeply. I see his goodness daily and stand more firmly.